Altoona, PA - In a shocking turn of events, the Mushroom Kingdom has been left in stitches as Mario, the red-hatted hero, publicly announced he’s disowned his brother Luigi for good. This bombshell revelation has left the kingdom reeling and wondering: how could Mario turn his back on Luigi to provoke such a sibling scandal?
The Unforgivable Act
Reports are still coming in, but sources close to the plumbers reveal that Luigi did the unthinkable—Luigi has been arrested and charged with the murder of United Healthcare's CEO Brian Thompson. Yes, you read that right. Luigi took it upon himself to use his ghost gun and assassinate Thompson around 7am in New York City, shedding his forever-in-the-shadow persona. But that’s not all. Luigi allegedly had the audacity to repair a leaky pipe… all by himself.
Mario's Outrage
Standing in front of his beloved castle, Mario, with a teary eye and an indignant stomp, declared, "Luigi, you are no longer my brother! You-a disgraced the family name. Mama Mia, how could you-a do this? You've-a crossed the line one too many times!" Mario continued, shaking his fists at the heavens, "First, you-a started vacuuming ghosts with your ghost gun and now-a this? The whole Mushroom Kingdom knows what you did, and-a the family has-a had enough!"
Bowser's Unexpected Embrace
In an unforeseen twist, the notorious Bowser has stepped forward with open claws. "Luigi, you’ve finally stood up for yourself and the other innocent plumbers who have been taken advantage of for far too long," Bowser bellowed, visibly excited. "Welcome to my tribe, brother."
The Kingdom's Reaction
The reaction within the Mushroom Kingdom has been overwhelmingly supportive of Luigi’s bold move. Toad was seen cheering, "Finally! Luigi is standing up for us!" while Princess Peach added, "Honestly, that parasite had it coming. I mean the Mushroom Kingdom has the most expensive health care in the world and the profits of insurance companies continue to rise while our life expectancy does not!”
A Hero's Farewell
As Mario sobs into his mustache and Luigi dons a new, more menacing green attire, it seems the dynamics of the Mushroom Kingdom have irreversibly shifted. Luigi, once the sidekick, now walks taller, free from his brother’s shadow, and maybe, just maybe, ready to take on the mantle of anti-hero.
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